Arsenal Jokes (2026): 150+ Funny, Friendly Banter Lines for Gooners and Rivals

Gunners is the only nickname that sounds like a threat and a kids' cartoon at the same time.

Gooner: a Gunner who has done a little more shouting.

The Gunners are the only team whose name comes with a built-in cannon.

My family calls me a Gooner. My bank calls me "a regular at the club shop."

Why do Arsenal fans make good chefs? They know how to fire a shot.

Red and white is the best color mix for a kit, a flag and a Christmas sweater.

An Arsenal fan's favorite sport is football. His second favorite is calculating.

Woolwich Arsenal moved north to Highbury in 1913. It was the longest away trip in club history, and they never went back.

My nan calls the club "the Arsenal." She says the "the" is how you show respect.

A Gooner is a fan who can name every player in the squad and still forgets where the car is parked.

Gunners, Gooners, Arsenal, the Arsenal: four names, one family and one very loud group chat.

August is the only month when I believe every Arsenal prediction I make.

My pre-season prediction: top of the league by Tuesday.

A new kit is the closest thing to a fresh start. It also costs the same.

I told my friend, "This is our year." He said, "You said that last year." I said, "And now I mean it."

Hope is the club's most reliable striker.

Pre-season friendlies are the only games where we're always unbeaten, in my memory.

We signed a new player. My group chat went into a three-hour planning meeting.

The season is 38 games long. My optimism lasts until about game three.

Why do Arsenal fans love August? Because there's no table to look at.

I have bought a season ticket, a new shirt and a calendar. I am ready for mild disappointment and spectacular joy.

Nothing beats a first match of the season, when everyone is undefeated.

Deadline day is the only day I refresh a news page more than my email.

The transfer window shuts at a set time. My hope stays open all night.

We were linked with twelve players over the summer. We signed one, and I'm thrilled.

Why did the transfer rumor go back to school? It wanted to learn some facts.

International breaks are two weeks of reading injury news through my fingers.

September is when the kit is still new and the grass is still perfect.

The international break is football's way of making me appreciate a normal Saturday.

My mate says he's "in the know" about transfers. His source is his cousin's barber.

A medical is the only exam a footballer is desperate to sit on deadline day.

I tracked a plane on deadline day for an hour. It was a family holiday to Spain.

Why did the Gooner bring a calendar to the pub? To count down the days until the break ended.

Back-to-school week and back-to-the-Emirates week are the same week. My diary needs a substitute.

A midweek away game is a family holiday with worse weather and better snacks.

My boss asked if I was feeling unwell. I said, "Yes. I have a ticket."

What do you call a football fan on a night train? A railway Gooner.

The best European night is the one where nobody forgets their scarf.

Cup football is the only place where everyone is either a giant or a giant-killer.

I have a rule for cold stadiums: dress like an onion. Layers and tears.

The best view of a European night is through a warm cup of tea.

The pie at the ground costs more than my first car. It's still great.

On match day, my phone is on silent. My heart is on loud.

They said it was going to rain. My Arsenal scarf said, "Bring it on."

A cup night under the lights is the only reason I'll stand outside in a scarf on a Wednesday.

Why did the Gooner pack a flask for the away trip? To keep his hopes warm.

Autumn leaves are the only things falling at the Emirates that nobody minds.

Arsenal is the only Tube station named after a football club. It's also the only station where I sing on the platform.

The station was called Gillespie Road until 1932. These days, the gap Gooners mind most is the one at the top of the table.

November rain in north London doesn't fall. It hangs about like a fan after the final whistle.

A packed Tube carriage on match day is the friendliest crowd in London. Everyone is wearing the same scarf.

I got on the Piccadilly line in red and white. Three strangers gave me their score predictions.

Why did the umbrella buy a ticket for the Emirates? It heard there would be plenty of cover.

My November routine: scarf, gloves, flask and blind faith.

The walk from the station to the ground is long enough to change your prediction twice.

At a 3 p.m. kick-off in November, the floodlights come on before half-time. So does my worrying.

Hot chocolate in a cold stand is the November version of a hug.

I check the weather forecast before every match. Then I wear the same coat anyway.

What do you call a Gooner in a raincoat? A waterproof Gunner.

My family opens presents in the morning and goes to the match in the afternoon.

Why do football scarves love winter? It's the only season they get a full-time contract.

The best part of Boxing Day football is the pie. The second best is the football.

Winter in football is a long list of fixtures with a short list of wins.

My Christmas jumper has a small football on it. It's the only thing we agree on at dinner.

The best gift under the tree is a ticket to a home match.

I told Santa I wanted a clean sheet. He thought I meant bedding.

In January, the transfer window opens. My hope window opens too, and my wallet closes.

The pitch was frozen. My fingers were frozen. My excitement was fully warmed.

Arsenal have won the FA Cup a record 14 times. At this point, the trophy deserves a season ticket.

The third round is when the big clubs join the cup. It's also when the small clubs dream the loudest.

January is cold, dark and long. Thankfully, the FA Cup turns up to warm it.

Why do Arsenal fans love the FA Cup? It brings out their cup-ability.

A cup draw on TV is the only time I've felt nervous watching someone pull balls out of a bowl.

A cup run is the best excuse for a family road trip in winter.

My mate predicts a giant-killing every round. He's right about once a decade and never lets anyone forget it.

FA Cup replays used to mean another night out. Now a draw means extra time and a late train home.

I bought a new scarf for every cup run. My drawer is now a small history department.

What did the FA Cup say to the Gooner? "We really should stop meeting like this."

Penalty shootouts are great for my heart. They make it work much harder than usual.

January sales are fine. January cup ties are better.

St Totteringham's Day is the only holiday where we all share a calculator.

I don't need a calendar in spring. I have a league table and a pencil.

The run-in is a marathon where everyone sprints at the end.

My spring is three parts football, one part maths and a pinch of hope.

The best day of the year has no cards, no gifts and a lot of smiling.

A Spurs fan once told me, "You always check the table." I said, "Yes, and you always check the date."

Both sets of fans agree on one thing: the other team's table position is very interesting.

The north London derby is the only game that has more songs than goals.

When the maths works out, we celebrate. When it doesn't, we say "the maths is nearly done."

The pencil is the most important tool in an Arsenal fan's spring.

Every rivalry needs a punchline. In north London, there are at least two.

Final day of the season: ten matches at once, one radio and eleven opinions in my living room.

In May, every fan becomes a statistician with a pencil behind one ear.

A Wembley trip is a long walk up Wembley Way and an even longer queue for the train home.

Cup final day is when grandparents, parents and kids all wear the same shirt.

My lucky socks have been to more cup finals than most players. They have never been washed on a Friday.

What do you call a Gooner at Wembley? Over the arch.

After the last home game, the players do a lap of appreciation. I do a lap of the kitchen.

End of the season: I put the scarf away for three months and start missing it after one week.

The end of May is when the table finally stops moving and the arguments finally start.

My summer plans depend on the final day. Good result: holiday. Bad result: sulking, then holiday.

The best May memory is a final whistle you can't hear because everyone is singing.

I buy a mug for every big win. My cupboard is now a museum with a kettle.

July has no league football, so I watch pre-season friendlies like they're cup finals.

Why do Gooners love summer tours? They get to support the team in a brand-new time zone.

The new kit launch is the biggest event of my summer. I watch it like a film premiere.

Summer is when kids practice their goal celebrations in the garden for next season.

I check the fixture release in June like it's exam results day.

Pre-season scores don't count, which is exactly why fans remember every single one.

My holiday plans: beach, book, and checking transfer news every ten minutes.

Gunnersaurus gets the summer off. I like to think he spends it at the seaside.

Why did the Gooner pack sunscreen for pre-season? To stop his hopes getting burned.

The fixture list came out and I booked our holidays around it. My family has learned to cope.

Summer is when old shirts come out of the drawer, and old stories come out with them.

I promised my wife I'd relax this summer. Then the transfer window opened.

We went a whole season unbeaten once. I'll bring it up at your wedding.

My granddad says Highbury was better. My dad says the Emirates is better. I say the food was better at both.

The Invincibles are the only team that can say "we never lost" and have the table to prove it.

Highbury was a home. The Emirates is a stadium. Together, they're a family.

My shirt says "Invincibles" on it. My knees say "mostly invincible."

The old Highbury clock moved to the Emirates in 2006. Proof that time really does fly when you're a Gooner.

My dad took me to Highbury in 1990. He didn't stop talking about it until 2006.

Why do Arsenal fans love history? It never loses.

Every Gooner has a favorite player, a favorite season and a favorite excuse.

Nothing beats the sound of a stadium singing the same song for ninety minutes.

The old stands have gone. The old stories haven't.

Our group chat has two modes: "We're back!" and "It's over." Nothing in between.

A transfer window is a shopping list with a deadline and a lot of rumors.

Gooners can read a league table faster than a menu.

Arsenal's mascot is a dinosaur. That makes Gunnersaurus the oldest fan in the stadium.

What position does Gunnersaurus play? Dino-fender.

Why does Gunnersaurus never miss a home game? Nobody else has a seat big enough to take his place.

A little Gooner's first word is usually "goal." Sometimes it's "Mum."

Why did the football bring a map to the match? It kept getting kicked out of play.

Why are goalposts such good friends? They stand by you, one on each side.

Why did the goalkeeper join the school choir? He was brilliant at catching the high notes.

My little brother wears his Arsenal kit to bed. He says it helps him dream about goals.

Why does the cannon on the crest look so happy? It has a blast every match day.

Why was the football pitch so sleepy? It had been played on all weekend.

The best part of a kids' match is when everyone cheers a goal, even the other team.

Why can't Gunnersaurus take throw-ins? His arms are too short, so he leaves them to the full-backs.

Mug text: Powered by hope and tea.

Card text: Happy birthday to someone who gets happier every time the ball hits the net.

Mug text: Not a morning person. A match-day person.

Meme caption: Me checking the league table on August 1st. "We're going top."

Meme caption: Me at 3:00 pm on match day. "Everything is fine."

Shirt text: Born a Gooner. Always a Gooner.

Card text: You're the fan every team dreams of: loud, loyal and a little bit late.

Birthday line: You're not old. You're just a classic, like the Highbury marble halls.

Gift tag: For the Gooner who has everything except a clean sheet.

Mug text: Red is the color of love, football and the best shirt.

Card text: To my favorite Gooner, who makes every match day feel like a cup final.

Mug text: Do not disturb. Checking the league table.

Gift tag: A new scarf, because the old one has seen too much.

Card text: Victoria Concordia Crescit. Happy birthday, and here's to more harmony at dinner.