Everton Football Jokes (2026): 160+ Toffees Banter Lines From St Domingo's to the Docks

Everton started as a church team, which explains why every fan still prays in the 89th minute.

St Domingo's renamed itself Everton in 1879. It was the club's first and best transfer: a new name for free.

Why did St Domingo's switch to football? Cricket season kept getting rained off, and prayer only covers so much.

The first Everton team sheet had eleven names and one hymn number.

A church team that grew into a giant. Talk about a congregation that kept turning up.

St Domingo's players warmed up by carrying the pews.

Every great Everton story starts with a few friends, a ball and a Sunday school.

What was the club's first chant? Amen, amen, we'll score again.

The vicar did not need a whistle. One look was enough to stop a foul.

From parish to Premier League: the longest away trip in football history.

1878 Everton had no stadium, no kit sponsor and no VAR. Honestly, it sounds peaceful.

Why was the first Everton goalkeeper so calm? He had faith in his defence.

Everton are the only club whose nickname gets stuck in your teeth.

Why do Everton fans never get lonely? They always stick together like toffee.

Most clubs are named after places. Everton were named after a pudding course.

My dentist asked if I follow Everton. I said, "How did you guess?" He pointed at my fillings.

A Toffee's heart is sweet, sticky and impossible to unwrap.

What do you call an Everton fan who quit sweets? Still a Toffee. You never really leave.

The Everton snack bar does not sell toffee. Fans bring their own out of respect.

Other teams have mascots. Everton have a confectionery history.

I asked for an Everton Mint at half-time. The lad behind me gave me a full tactical analysis instead.

Why was the toffee shop so busy on matchday? Everyone was chewing over the result.

Sweet shop, sweet club, sweet memories.

The Everton diet: one mint before kick-off, eleven fingernails by full time.

Everton were at Anfield first. The original landlords of Merseyside football.

Everton left Anfield over rent. Most Liverpool students can relate.

Why did Everton cross Stanley Park in 1892? To get to the other side of history.

Imagine moving out over a rent row and your old flat getting famous. That is Everton in 1892.

Everton were founder members of the Football League in 1888. They were in the group chat before it was cool.

The 1892 moving van had three goalposts, a kettle and a strong opinion about landlords.

What did Everton say when they left Anfield? "You'll never walk alone, but we're walking off."

Everton fans still check every tenancy agreement twice.

Founder member, first tenant, first to move: Everton set the pace for a busy decade.

A new home, a park in between and a rivalry that started as neighbours.

Stanley Park: the most nervous patch of grass in England.

Goodison had pillars older than most managers' contracts.

The Grand Old Lady never needed makeup. She had floodlights.

Why did Goodison feel so loud? The roof was too polite to let the noise out.

My season ticket came with a free view of a steel pillar. I named it Gary.

The Toffee Lady has the only job in football where everyone is happy to see you.

When Z-Cars starts, Evertonians stand up so fast their pies need a seatbelt.

What is an Everton fan's favourite TV show? Anything that ends with the Z-Cars theme.

The Gwladys Street end could make a goal kick sound like a cup final.

Goodison: where the ground was old, the seats were tight and the love was roomy.

At Goodison you never asked for directions. You followed the smell of chips and nerves.

Grandad's seat, Dad's seat, my seat. Same view, three generations of shouting.

Why did the Toffee Lady never miss a match? She was always on a roll of mints.

The School of Science: the only school where the homework was a one-two pass.

Everton fans call it the School of Science. Rival fans call it extra homework.

Why was Everton's midfield so good at chemistry? They always found the right reaction.

The School of Science had one rule: pass first, panic later.

Everton's passing had a hypothesis, a method and, on good days, a result.

What is the School of Science's favourite equation? Ball plus space equals goal.

My school report said "must try harder." My Everton report said "must pass sooner."

Some schools give gold stars. Everton gave a blue shirt.

The School of Science never set exams. Every Saturday was one.

Physics says a ball in motion stays in motion. Everton's old midfield made it true.

Why did the professor love Everton? Every match had a good formula.

Five FA Cups means five times Everton fans learned to sing on a moving coach.

1906, 1933, 1966, 1984, 1995. Everton like to spread the silverware out so it lasts.

Why do Everton fans love the FA Cup? It is the one cup that never runs out of tea.

Cup final morning: one sandwich, two flags and three hours of traffic on the M6.

A cup run makes a child an Evertonian for life. Ask any grandad.

My uncle still talks about 1995 like it happened this morning. He has the scarf to prove it.

Everton's FA Cup wins are like good toffee: rare enough to treasure.

What do you call a third-round upset? An Everton story waiting to be told.

Before every cup tie, my dad checks the weather, the team and the ticket in his pocket. Twice.

The road to Wembley starts in January and ends with your voice in March.

Blue ribbons on the trophy look right at home.

Ask a 1985 Evertonian about the Cup Winners' Cup and clear your diary.

1985 was the year Everton collected trophies like other people collect parking tickets.

Why did the 1980s Everton side never get lost in Europe? They followed the silverware.

My dad's 1985 shell suit is retired. His 1985 opinions are still playing.

Every family has one photo of a dad with a moustache and a trophy. Everton families have three.

The 1980s Everton squad had better hair and better results than most of us.

Two league titles in three seasons. The decade had a blue filter.

What did the trophy cabinet say in 1985? "Please, no more, I'm full."

My uncle names his dogs after the 1985 team. The dogs are well past their prime too.

1987: the year Everton won the league and every pub on Goodison Road ran out of space.

In Liverpool, family dinner has a seating plan based on scarves.

The Merseyside derby: the only match where the away end goes home for tea.

Why do Blues and Reds share a city? It saves on travel for the arguments.

My brother supports the Reds. We have not agreed on a park since 1892.

Mixed derby families: half the shouting, double the cuddles after.

Derby week in our house means Mum hides the TV remote and the blue paint.

Stanley Park is the world's only park with a referee on standby.

I told my Red mate I'd be gracious if we won. He said, "So that's a no, then."

What do you call a draw in the Merseyside derby? A week of peace in every office in town.

Derby day nerves: I was so anxious I ironed my scarf.

At derby time, the city splits in two. On Monday it is one big group chat again.

We all agree on one thing in Liverpool: the other lot's songs are too long.

Nil Satis Nisi Optimum: nothing but the best is good enough. Also the motto of every Everton pie critic.

Everton's motto is in Latin, so fans can sound clever even after a 0-0.

Why did the tower make the crest? It was a lock for the job.

The crest has an old lock-up on it, which explains how fans feel during stoppage time.

Most badges show lions. Everton went with an 18th-century building. Bold choice, strong foundations.

What did the Everton tower say on matchday? "I'm feeling a bit lock-ed in."

My teacher asked for a Latin phrase. I said Nil Satis Nisi Optimum and got a detention for showing off.

A tower that stood for centuries, a club that keeps standing too.

Prince Rupert's Tower: still the only Everton player never to be transferred.

If the motto says only the best will do, the club bar's tea has a lot to answer for.

Why do Evertonians love Latin? It is the only language where "optimum" sounds like a prediction.

Goodison was not just a ground. It was a 133-year family get-together.

I took a selfie with every pillar before the last match. My phone needs therapy.

The Grand Old Lady retired from men's football with more stories than seats.

My mate tried to take his seat home. Security said, "It's not a souvenir, it's a chair."

Why did the last Goodison crowd cry? Even the turnstiles were moved.

My grandad asked the steward if he could stay overnight. Just one more look.

You can move stadiums, but you cannot move memories. They live at home with you.

The final whistle at Goodison was followed by 39,000 people pretending they had dust in their eyes.

Goodison closed the curtain and kept the encore for later.

What did Goodison say to the fans? "Thanks for the memories, and mind the step on the way out."

Everton moved to the docks. Now every corner kick comes with a sea breeze.

Bramley-Moore Dock: the only place where a header might get a weather warning.

Why are Everton fans great sailors now? They have learned to ride the waves.

The new stadium has more seats than Goodison. Fans have more places to sit nervously.

Old blue hearts, new blue home by the water.

My first trip to the new ground, I asked a seagull for directions. He also supports Everton.

What do Everton fans say at the docks? "Ship ship hooray!"

They built a stadium on a dock. Everton literally anchored their future.

The tide comes in, the tide goes out, and Evertonians still argue about the starting eleven.

At the new ground the views are lovely. Mostly of the Mersey, sometimes of a goal.

Why did the new stadium feel so welcoming? It was docked full of friendly faces.

New seats, new roof, same old songs.

Liverpool weather has two settings: drizzle and derby day.

The Mersey ferry and Everton have something in common. Both make you a bit seasick on a windy day.

Why did the Liver Bird refuse to pick a side? It could not afford the fallout.

My Scouse nan says every Everton season is like the ferry: up and down, but you always get there.

One river, two clubs, a million stories.

Liverpool has two cathedrals and two football clubs. It likes to give people options.

What do you call an Evertonian on the waterfront? A blue on the docks.

Tourists take photos of the skyline. Evertonians take photos of the new stand next to it.

In Liverpool, the bus timetable is optional, but the kick-off time is sacred.

I gave a tourist directions to the new stadium. Twenty minutes later he knew the whole 1985 squad.

What is a young Everton fan's favourite sweet? A Toffee, of course.

Why did the football go to school? It wanted to join the School of Science.

What do baby Evertonians drink? Blue-berry juice.

Why did the goalkeeper bring a toffee to the match? He wanted to keep things sweet.

What did the Everton ball say to the net? "Nice to meat you."

Why are Everton fans good at hide and seek? They blend in with the sky.

Why did the seagull join Everton? It was already wearing blue and white.

What did the Toffee Lady say to the shy kid? "Don't worry, there's a mint for everyone."

Where do Everton fans keep their sweets? In the toffee-cabinet.

What do you call an Everton player who loves crisps? A snack winger.

Why did the little Evertonian bring a ladder to Goodison? He heard the Blues were going up the table.

What is the Toffee Lady's favourite exercise? Mint-ervals.

Caption: Blue skies, blue shirts, blue language at the 85th minute.

Caption: Born a Toffee, raised on hope, sweetened by mints.

Half-time text: "We're fine. Don't call. I'm breathing into a scarf."

Caption: Toffee or not toffee? Always toffee.

Caption: Matchday with my favourite people and my favourite worry.

Group chat rule: no score predictions before the team news. It jinxes the tea.

Caption: I don't need a gym membership. I watch Everton in stoppage time.

Caption: Nil Satis Nisi Optimum. Also my standard for chips.

Caption: Stick with us. We're the Toffees.

My phone autocorrects "Everton" to "Ever-on." Fair, to be honest.

Caption: Blue since birth. Ask my baby photos.

Caption: Sea air, new seats, same blood pressure.

Caption: Some people follow trends. We follow an 1878 church team.

Caption: Feeling mint after that win.

Full-time text: "I am fine. I am calm. I am never doing this again. See you next week."